Empty. Going to work each day.....Empty. Coming home in the evening, faced with the mundane; what will I make for dinner? I should do my laundry. I need to clean...... Empty. Trying to talk to God, I get distracted...... Empty.
Emptiness can soon eat you up and completely rob you of your joy. Feeling empty you begin feeling like your life is senseless. How did I get there again? Why do I allow myself to fall into that emptiness AGAIN. More honestly, my heart cries out, "God, why did You allow me to go down that road again?" But..........it's not God's fault. I know that. Keeping a relationship healthy is a two way street. It's not a relationship if one person does all the relating. I think that would be a mentorship, or maybe a counselling session.........but wait, even that's not true, because although a counselor asks many questions they also expect an answer in response. If I'm not truly communicating with my Saviour, I'm not allowing Him to be my Counselor, or my Friend. It takes two people to be in a relationship. So where was God? He didn't move. Where was I? Stuck in a rut of the mundane. Things going ok so no real crisis to cry out to God for. As I write this I want to hang my head in shame. You see if there was no crisis, that's when I should just be rejoicing in my Jesus. That's when I should be looking around and reaching out a hand to others around me. So much pain and I am indifferent.
As I watched my dear, sweet great-aunt Clara, who is 85 years old have to go through burying her second husband I realized how blessed this woman had been. Though the two men that she had been married to were both very different in many ways, two striking similarities keep coming back to me; They both had a heart for people around them, and more importantly they both loved the Lord with all their hearts. What is the legacy I will leave behind?
This morning as I drove to church I had the first real sweet communion I've had with my Jesus in too long.....for too long I have been talking to Him so half heartedly. As I cried out to Him and told Him how sorry I was for having gotten so indifferent to Him I saw Him stretch out His arms to me and I ran into His arms and He hugged me close to His bosom. I realized He was crying but as I looked at His face I saw that they were not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. You see, my Jesus hurts when I grow indifferent to Him. He longs for that close sweet communion with me. He loves to hear my praise, whether it be completely off key or perfect harmony. He loves to hear me just praise Him with words. He loves when I am thankful. He loves to give me the desires of my heart when they are also the desires of His heart. Although my Jesus knows exactly what I need He still likes to hear me ask for it. He wants to hear my requests. I matter. As I reflected on this it was my turn for tears. I had withheld so much from my Lord lately, and yet He was waiting with open arms and total forgiveness.
Completeness. The sense of knowing that confession had been made to my Jesus...........Completeness. Knowing that I am STILL covered completely by His shed blood......Completeness. Trusting in God to direct me through the day even though I was leading a Sunday school class where I only knew half the girls.......Completeness. And you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power. (Colossians 2:10) I am complete in Christ!
Amazingly, altough I felt like I had just had the most awesome "church" experience in my car on my 20 minute drive to church, God wasn't finished with me yet. He would show me how much He loves me by sending me conformation that what I experienced earlier was really real. He would have the pastor preach about exactly what I had been so convicted about and had confessed to God in my car not even an hour earlier! The pastor preached about one sign of "coolness" towards God being indifference and prayerlessness. He had others too but those were the two that hit me. I had been turning "cool" toward my Beloved Jesus. the very one who took the weight of my sins on Himself because He loved me so much. I waited for the guilt and the shame to wash over me but it never happened. Instead, I kept seeing myself running into the arms of my Beloved Jesus, and the tears of joy running down His face. It was with a heart of thankfullness that I left the sanctuary.....My Jesus loves me, imperfections and all! I will rest in this truth.....Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1
